Days 52-57: Schlumping

I have been in a weird schlump for the past week. I go in and out of loneliness.
(Apparently I used the word "schlump" incorrectly in that sentence. "Schlump" refers to a person, not their action. But it just seems to make sense right now.)

It's difficult to boil the loneliness down to just a few things, because I'm afraid it is a multitude of circumstances. 

I have been meaning to journal about these things, but I journal at my best in total seclusion, and that's the last thing I want for myself right now. Also, I didn't want to spill everything in my blog posts because that's not how it should be. 

When I feel this alone, it is difficult to ask for companionship, comfort, or time from others. I think this stems from my fear of burdening others. 

I guess I have also never fully understood what my perfect balance of self-time and people-time should be. And I don't want all of my hangouts to be penciled into my planner. I miss that spontaneity, but I guess that was more common when I was in school. 

This is just a strange season of my life. I'm an adult, no longer a student. I'm single, which is a status of mine that I enjoy but loathe at the same time. 

Yuck!! I just realized how negative this post is. 

I guess what I will do for myself is look at all the positives from the last week instead of dwelling on my loneliness and everything that sucks.

Positives:

- I have an awesome big sister. She came to a wedding with me last weekend when my friend was no longer able to come. I didn't want to go alone. 

- I got to hang out with some friends throughout the week. 

- My roommate asked me if something was wrong. I said no, but then realized later that I lied. At least she cared to ask, but I hadn't realized how stuck in my loneliness I actually was. 

- I have lost some weight! 

- I had a good run yesterday. It was really hard to focus on my posture, but I did okay. 

- I have continued to work on my monthly budget. I now have good estimates for all my expenses. And I will have money left over each month! This is good news. 

- I have decided to discontinue my part time job search. I only have three or so months left with AmeriCorps. That means I will need to start looking for another full time job fairly soon. And I honestly would hate my life if I had to work 7 days a week. I might regret saying this, but I would rather be a little tight on money than work 7 days a week. I need my weekends to do whatever I want. And I also need that time to volunteer. 

- I am starting to put together a small group Bible study with three close friends. I need some structure, stability, and accountability in my life. We are going to start meeting in September. I'm really excited!!!

I think that is good. I feel better now that I looked at the highs in my life. 

And I noticed that a majority of these positives are areas of my life I am working to improve. 

Thanks for bearing with me as I kind of sort of turned this into a journal entry. I had to vent somehow. :)