Day 58: Community

"Maybe I wasn't just getting a community, but getting an opportunity to serve a community, to love people back, to love them just because they are humans like me, with their own broken hearts and insecurities and fears about the future." 

- Tara Leigh Cobble, author of Here's to Hindsight

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Last night while conversing over a pan of homemade vegetable pizza, I addressed an old friend about how my sense of community has changed. Since graduating from and leaving North Central University, I have noticed patterns in the lives of former classmates. It seems as though each person takes a left, right, continues straight, or turns around on the path they have created. For me, I have been all over the place trying to find what I honestly need for this moment in my life.

Who should I chose to invest in?
What type of work should I do?
Should I stick with my children's ministry even though it's hard and I sometimes have little support in it?
When can I go to Africa?
Should I switch churches?
Should I continue to push this small group Bible study I have been trying to initiate with some friends?

I have seen how crucial it is for me to hold on to what I believe and pull those close to me who I hope will continue to walk with me, encourage me, keep me accountable, and show me how friendship and community works.

As my friend and I continued to eat our pizza, she mentioned how she was recently thinking about our friendship. It has been hard to stay connected in the last year, and she is starting to question which friends she should invest in more. As life seasons change, so do friendships.

- - -

All relationships come to an end.
I cannot recall where I heard or read this statement, but it's eerily true. I used to get so hurt when a friend slowly (or abruptly) pushed me out of their life. I would question what I did wrong or how I needed to change. It wasn't until two years ago that I realized maybe it wasn't me.
Three very close friends all decided to change their personal sphere of influence and kick me from the inner ring, to the outer ring. It was painful. I wrestled with all possibilities of what I had done to cause something like this to happen, but the more I thought about it, the more I shifted from blaming myself to understanding that life changes. I cannot expect anyone to be there forever, or even be there for me as they were in the past.

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I'm trying to embrace the communities I have now for as long as I can or should. I try to be my best, be humble, and have patience. But I admit that these are very challenging things.

Sometimes I am selfish. Sometimes I like to be a hermit when I get home from work. Sometimes I get frustrated when I feel like I'm the only one cleaning my apartment that I share with four other women. Sometimes I don't agree with the lifestyle choices of others, but I try my best not to judge. Sometimes I don't feel like talking. Sometimes I can be bitchy (just being honest). Sometimes I can get easily annoyed. Sometimes (or most times) I bottle in my frustrations because I am a turtle who doesn't like to offend others but it always explodes in the worst possible way.

I admit these are all things I need to work on. My changes in community are helping me to be aware of these things and how I should become a better me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it has been very very challenging to find ways to love others when I get so stuck in my own selfish ways. But I bought a package of Oreos for my roommate because I know she loves them. And I'm going to try harder to show her love in the ways she receives loves. And I'm going to be more intentional about voicing my frustrations as soon as I can instead of trying to fix them on my own. And I'm going to start having weekly hang outs with the friend who I shared pizza with last night.

But most of all, I'm going to have grace for myself. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.