Perfection

So..last night I had a mental breakdown.
Tomorrow (Monday) I have my fourth short story due for my Fiction Writing class. I also told my teacher I would have my first three pieces revised by tomorrow, too. Last night while revising one of my stories and not yet having started writing my fourth piece, I became overwhelmed. I realized that I was trying so hard to make my story perfect to the point that it was taking me hours to revise small sections.
Seeing how long it was taking me to work on just one story, I lost it when I realized there was no way I could revise two other stories and write a complete story from scratch by 2:20pm on Monday.
So, I bawled. I called my mom. I bawled some more. I told her I was trying so hard to be perfect and it was wrecking me. She said that sometimes I can only do my best and that is all that matters. I'm okay with that, but what gets me worked up is what other people will think. I don't want to present myself as imperfection. I don't want to be criticized for putting "my best" out there when I know that my best could be better.

Am I just a complete mess, or what?

After talking to my mom, I decided it was best to just get ready for bed and continue working in the morning. It was only 10:30pm.
My roommate came home shortly after I got into bed. I couldn't stop crying while I was laying there, so I got up and bawled my eyes out for another hour in the living room.
I prayed, too. I can't really remember what I prayed, but when I woke up this morning and read my devotional before church, what was written was food for my hungry heart.
Here's what was written for November 18th in the book Jesus Calling:


"Come to Me, and rest in My Peace. My Face is shining upon you, in rays of Peace transcending understanding. Instead of trying to figure things out yourself, you can relax in the Presence of the One who knows everything. As you lean on Me in trusting dependence, you feel peaceful and complete. This is how I designed you to live: in close communion with Me.

When you are around other people, you tend to cater to their expectations---real of imagined. You feel enslaved to pleasing them, and your awareness of My Presence grows dim. Your efforts to win their approval eventually exhausts you. You offer these people dry crumbs rather than the living water of My Spirit flowing through you. This is not My way for you! Stay in touch with Me, even during your busiest moments. Let My Spirit give you words of grace as you live in the Light of My Peace."

Philippians 4: 6-7 -- "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

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My heart has been heavy all day. I'm trying so hard not to give up when there are just 24 days left of the semester. Maybe I sound like a baby or like I'm exaggerating or like I'm a complete emotional fool, but school is so hard for me sometimes. It also doesn't help that I've been setting these ridiculous exceptions to be perfect in my work, especially in this Fiction Writing class.

So, now I'm sitting here, writing a blog instead of doing my homework. I continued to revise that one story for hours this afternoon before I realized I might just need to talk to my teacher instead of causing myself to have an anxiety attack. AND, I have only written one page of my fourth story. :(

I don't know where to go from here.

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