How I've been feeling lately:

The reason I don't talk as much as people would like is because I hate being criticized, judged, and misinterpreted. It happens all too often...

So that is why I keep my mouth shut. I don't want my words to come out as unintelligent or reflect me in a negative way.

So, I hold my tongue.

Maybe if I spoke more, then people would get a feel for how annoyed I get with everything. Maybe they would see that I just have a hard time with sarcasm and what people say to me. Maybe they would see that I have gone through a lot, my life is messy, but I'm trying to be a good person.

Maybe people would stop judging me for having minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I just need to be, where I need to sit in my feelings and work through them.

The more I learn about myself, the more I understand my mannerisms. I am an internal processor that doesn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about herself. (Yeah, I know, it doesn't really make sense to me either!)

When people ask me questions about myself that require some thought, it usually takes me longer to process through my answer than it does for others. Or if I'm asked to help brainstorm, I seriously hate when people shoot my suggestions down in a rude way. They just don't understand how hard it is for me to brainstorm. It's not a gift of mine.

I can't be something that I'm not. I hate feeling like I need to be more than I am. I don't want to wear a mask. I don't want to act like I'm okay when I'm a wreck.

I try my best to accept people for who they are. But I often don't feel this acceptance from others.

Sometimes I do so much accepting of others when I need to learn to accept myself.

Speaking of acceptance, I realized why I want to be at home, rather than at school. It's not just because I'm sick of classes, assignments, and people. But I think it's because I am not getting the acceptance I need right now. All of this judging and criticism I just mentioned has been something I have experienced frequently this semester. I often feel so misunderstood. 

But at home, when I am with family and my friends that I have known for years, then I feel accepted. That's the love I need right now. 

So, being at NCU right now is not working for me. ....and I hate that I am even saying that, because I love this school so much. I just can't emotionally tolerate being here, at least for right now.

Gosh, this post is depressing...