"...your life is about Christ in you---about the work He can do through you, when you yield to His will."

Today I texted an old friend who I haven't spoken with in over a month. She mentioned the job she recently began and how she is struggling to find balance.

Struggling to find balance.... 

After I read this in her text, I thought that's exactly how I would define my life these past few months.

If I can be completely honest, which I will be because this is my blog, I would say that I don't like my new job. There is little to no reward in it for me. It is mundane in every sense of the word. Yes, I am helping people, but I miss physically helping people. I am a helper by nature; it is written in my DNA.

This work that I am doing is draining my passions, which is something I hoped to never say.

At this point in the year I thought I would be offered more (paid) hours at the Ethiopian church I am volunteering at on Friday nights. I convinced myself to wait a few more months, and then I would see this dream of mine come to reality. After all, this is something my pastor and I had been discussing for a year. I believed increasing my hours with the church would fuel my passion which is being squashed in the mundane job. After a brief meeting with my pastor last week, I am beginning to lose hope in the possibility. But I guess I could be wrong though.

Nonetheless, I was banking on this opportunity to partner with the Ethiopian population of my city in the ways I am best equipped. This is the reason I purposely took the job I have now because it is part time and offers flexibility in my week.

Because of the large amount of free time in my schedule these past months, I have spent so much time alone, which has in turn caused me to feel useless, empty, and dry. In a way, isn't this selfishness?

Today I became aware of how often I forget to live in the moment. I'm either dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. I vicariously live in these moments so much so that I have become ignorant of the effect it has had on my identity, how I present myself, how others view me, what I think and feel. 

How selfish of me!

Besides all of this self-realization, I have been reading a short book by Kris Camealy called "Holey, Wholly, Holy: A Lenten Journey of Refinement." It's one of those reads that causes someone to stop and reflect after each paragraph, a.k.a. the worst book for a slow reader like me.

As most of you know, it is currently the season of Lent---a time to give up something and make ourselves ready for the celebration of Christ's resurrection. 

Here is what Kris Camealy has to say about Lent: "It occurred to me that perhaps what God calls us to give up, really, is ourselves. The paltry offerings we prefer to give up, while they feel challenging, are perhaps less pleasing because we fail to give up the one thing that stands between us and Christ. Ourselves."

Forty days are set aside each calendar year to honor the time of Lent. But the act of setting aside my selfishness, falling in numinous awe at the feet of Jesus who suffered for my sake, and aligning my heart and path with God's is something I am CALLED to do everyday.

Kris Camealy wrote, "The trials you endure, they are undeniably part of your story---but your life is not just about you---your life is about Christ in you---about the work He can do through you, when you yield to His will."

Even though my life is quite rocky right now---from dealing with rude callers at a job I don't particularly like, to feeling as though my passion is draining, and not knowing what will come next for me---I have a God who accepts my messed up self and delights in using me for His glory.

And maybe this season of a dry and unbalanced life is a time to redirect my heart and passion to reflect who God is and what His purpose is for where He has called me to be. Most days I just want to pack my bags and move to Africa, but I know it's not time. My hope and prayer is to live in the moment, to truly BE where I am.