Joyful, Lost, and Everything In Between

I have been thinking a lot about the verse that says, "Be joyful always." (1 Thess 5:16)

Honestly, what does that even mean???

What if I'm having a crappy day? Or if my anxiety is constantly lingering over me? Or if I want to let the depression win?

Am I still supposed to be joyful in those situations? Can I be anxious/depressed and joyful at the same time?

I don't know if I have ever been completely joyful. I haven't had one of those days that was a 10 on my scale.

I'm back at school now. For the last couple of weeks I have been so anxious about the fact that I had to come back to school. It wasn't an excited anxious. I was completely terrified to come back. I don't want to be here at all. I honestly don't know what I want or what could make me happy.

The past month being at home seemed to go back so slow, and I wanted to soak up every minute I could. 

And now I feel like I have to go back to reality. I feel so alone in this big world. I am so financially unstable. And I am depressed. 

I'm just not joyful.

Something I realized tonight while I was unpacking is that I feel lost in this season that I am in. I don't know why things have been so crappy for me. It seems like I am constantly dwelling on everything that is going wrong for me.

I don't feel blessed, but I do feel like I am being tested, pushed, and forced to do life the hard way when I can't seem to do it right.

But after I realized that I am lost, I also realized that I am completely lost without God in my life.

It seems like when life gets crappy like this, I push God away and try to deal with it all on my own. But I fail constantly when I'm on my own. I just can't win.

I don't know how this quite ties in with being joyful, but I found a sense of joy when I realized that 

I am lost without Christ.

It's bittersweet.